Founded on July 1, 2010, the College of _____________________ brings together teaching, research and engagement programs dedicated to informing people's behavioral choices, improving their health, and enhancing their quality of life.
We are a young and vibrant college with a strategic advantage of being the academic home to scholars in both the human sciences and health sciences. Together, we aspire to a reputation for excellence in our research, in how we teach and prepare students for the future, and in the ways in which we serve our communities.
We are a young and vibrant college with a strategic advantage of being the academic home to scholars in both the human sciences and health sciences. Together, we aspire to a reputation for excellence in our research, in how we teach and prepare students for the future, and in the ways in which we serve our communities.
Wow.
The first thing you want to tell a prospective student (customer) is the date you were founded. Why?
You bring together teaching, research and engagement programs... and you want to inform people's behavioral choices... Do you teach students? Do you want me to enroll?
You want to improve "their" health - who are they? - and enhance "their" quality of life. Hmm. Why am I here? Do you have anything I can study?
This page isn't headed "Mission" or "About Us", but it's no more useful. And if your site's main page is labeled "Mission" or "About Us", then the first line of copy should read "we simply don't care about you, our customer, your needs or our long-term success".
Paragraph two.
You are a young and vibrant college. But I can already see that you don't care about me by the ambiguous, self-centric copy. Plus, your site doesn't work on my phone, so you can't be that young or vibrant.
And you have a strategic advantage of being the academic home to scholars in human and health sciences. Why do I care? Do I get to work with them? Study under them? Are they my prof's? What?
The last sentence is just a mouthful of empty calories that says nothing.
In an era when every university is only a click away it is simply inexcusable to present content that does not relate directly to the needs of the reader. Stop with the idea that more words and syllables make people think you are a better institution.
You know what makes a great institution that I want to be part of? A place that wants me to learn much and do great things with my life.
I came to your site. I have an opinion of you. I have my perception. I need you to validate my perception and direct me into your organization. I need you to lead me through the steps. I need you to show me that you can help me be successful.
Make that your opening paragraph.
The first thing you want to tell a prospective student (customer) is the date you were founded. Why?
You bring together teaching, research and engagement programs... and you want to inform people's behavioral choices... Do you teach students? Do you want me to enroll?
You want to improve "their" health - who are they? - and enhance "their" quality of life. Hmm. Why am I here? Do you have anything I can study?
This page isn't headed "Mission" or "About Us", but it's no more useful. And if your site's main page is labeled "Mission" or "About Us", then the first line of copy should read "we simply don't care about you, our customer, your needs or our long-term success".
Paragraph two.
You are a young and vibrant college. But I can already see that you don't care about me by the ambiguous, self-centric copy. Plus, your site doesn't work on my phone, so you can't be that young or vibrant.
And you have a strategic advantage of being the academic home to scholars in human and health sciences. Why do I care? Do I get to work with them? Study under them? Are they my prof's? What?
The last sentence is just a mouthful of empty calories that says nothing.
In an era when every university is only a click away it is simply inexcusable to present content that does not relate directly to the needs of the reader. Stop with the idea that more words and syllables make people think you are a better institution.
You know what makes a great institution that I want to be part of? A place that wants me to learn much and do great things with my life.
I came to your site. I have an opinion of you. I have my perception. I need you to validate my perception and direct me into your organization. I need you to lead me through the steps. I need you to show me that you can help me be successful.
Make that your opening paragraph.
No comments:
Post a Comment